‘You’re on your own. You are not enough. You look different. You will never forget the mistakes you made. They were right about you. You’ve missed your chance. You’re life will never be significant. He is better than you.’
Over and over again, these phrases played (and play) in my mind. They are the tracks on my least favourite record and yet they are the tracks I play the most; an album of self-loathing written to keep me depressed.
The Voices That Haunt Us. Out Now. —- I am mentally ill. I have been mentally ill for a long time. I battle depression and anxiety and have done so for years. I have had counselling therapy and I take a little white pill every day that keeps me level. I am not ashamed of any of this. For a long time, I was ashamed, and I hid my illness from others and even from myself. I hid it well until I could no longer hide it and my body started to give up the fight. The effects of my … Continue reading The Voices That Haunt Us
This has been going round my head for weeks. I love America and loved every minute I have spent there, but I hate a lot about how America behaves. It’s a long thread. When I lived in Illinois I was bombarded by the phrase ‘God Bless America.’ It was in church services and on bumper stickers. It was always in proximity to ‘Land of the Free.’ God bless the land of the free!20 years later I realise that America was already blessed and already the land of free, but only for some. The rich and often white population, the lovely … Continue reading #GodBlessAmerica
I see you. I see you with your pearls clutched close, afraid and offended by the one who dares exist in your air. I see you with second glances, your keeping aware of his movements on your street. I see your curtains twitch and your questions, ‘who is that? Why is he here?’ I hear you ask her again, ‘no where are you from? And before that?’ casting doubt one her identity. I see your hand read for that babies hair, ‘it’s just like wool. Aren’t their babies so cute.’ I see you. I see you stifle a laugh as … Continue reading I see you
Hashtags about prayer and even prayer itself can feel so futile but I don’t know what else I can do. Almighty God, who made us and gave us life, we are hurting and confused. We find ourselves, once again, bewildered by how those whom you have made in the same God-image as us can be so callous and do such great evil. The list of tragedy gets longer. Senseless killing across the world you made and first called good. We are hurting again, as we have before. We are mourning life lost, both young and old; stolen by another senseless … Continue reading A prayer in times of violence.
Nobody wins. When a country sits one part aghast as its leaders and their aides appear to gaslight them, and another part triumphant, as the detractors are put in their place by those same leaders and aides, nobody wins. Nobody wins as the deaths of a few thousand people, ripped from their families by a virus we aren’t close to defeating, are a side note to the story of the day. Nobody wins when we are told the rules we worked hard to adhere to were more flexible should our instincts deem our situations exceptional. Could we have said goodbye? … Continue reading In this Dominic Cummings Saga, Nobody Wins.
I’m sure I’m just overthinking things as usual but, in spite of the fact that this lockdown is already kicking me square in the mental health, I’m now also beginning to worry about the emotional and mental impact the end of the lockdown is going to have. This lockdown is difficult. I miss people. I miss good conversations and hugs. I miss laughing at bad jokes and judging people on trains for their food or their hairstyles. I feel exhausted all the time despite not doing much at all. I am grumpier than usual, much to the pleasure of my … Continue reading What’s next? 6 things that might help us leave lockdown well. Whenever that may be.
A long time ago I started writing a book but life has gotten in the way and that plan has faltered. In order to try and complete the writing I’m going to put it out as a blog instead. Chapter 1 is a few posts back. This is chapter 2.